A Little Breathing Room

The last sunset of 2023 seen from Mandaluyong. Photo taken by the author.

The start of the year made my self more graspable — that is, to further elaborate, I feel more of the self I am becoming and see the image of the self who I want to become. This is a type of reality that I have unknowingly manifested and arrived at as I proactively check on the status of my consciousness. In this manner of speaking, it seems that this state of being comes as a surprise, as if none of this was something I planned. Perhaps a tone in my phrase by articulating my knowingness in italics, at a borderline fugue state, in realizing that I am (suddenly) here, and I am becoming who I want to be.

Before I descend into another sequence of tautological thoughts, I am back here to illustrate how much I think I am becoming more in control of myself. This is a self-affirmation of sorts and an update on my current state of mind, in which I feel more comfortable. My current self becomes a fashionable skin breeding confidence on small steps of attempting to live a life according to virtue. Yet, discipline is a steep ladder, especially if done in solitude. But I see more gains in going through it alone (at least, mentally speaking) than with a surveilling other.

Three things are finally beginning to come to view. First, plans for this year’s second quarter are starting to materialize. It was a grueling task to just mentally prepare for this upcoming event since last year. Second, reconnecting with friends is somehow a slow process but becoming more defined in terms of my image of them and how they interact with how I want to be perceived in the context of the group. Third, despite a growing confusion about my interaction with my family, I am becoming more of myself in interacting with people generally. In all of these three cases, they become graspable as I identify my self-agency with every decision. I become more in control of the things around me and clear with my boundaries when it comes to people. And in this situation and state of being, I found to have come a lot sooner than I expected. Perhaps it is more in the feeling that more often than not, things are falling into place. That unfamiliar feeling that the efforts and struggles that have put me into uncertainty in the previous year are leading up to the point of clarity in life and self. Both my internal and external way of interpreting the world becomes clear such that this type and experience of unprecedented clarity opens the door to foresight.

I might as well treat this claim and assessment as a certain kind of narcissism because, in all of its meaningful satisfaction, it is imperative to pull myself back. With all that I have built, snowballing is not an option. The momentum must only be maintained and not increased. I am happy with this velocity — this pace of building habits and frameworks of thought. Still, I want to pursue this metaphor of becoming. In this progressive change of self, where if you are still reading, can become of the help of a soothing voice similar to the comforting form of faith that I have discovered in the face of suffering.

Give me some time to find the words to describe these growing pains. I am now far but take me back to where I was as the person I am now.