The breakdown

How it all started

I was working as a content writer for an English proficiency test company. I was doing pretty well at my job, still having that pride I know I am good at what I do while enjoying the process of writing. In my head, that job was the best thing I could get after breaking away from my dream of writing creatively for a living. This was the moment when I began to abandon the idea of creating a career within the local art scene.

After a year and a half at my content writer job, I was promoted to becoming an editor. I was happy when I heard the news, yet to be honest, it was always something that I've been expecting since the company had a chain of resignation from its editors. That expectation muddled with my own self-perception.

How much of my abilities earned that promotion? Was it brought by necessity or was it because my manager knows I'm ready for the task? What if I was not? What if this was all a consolation to keep me appease despite the crumbling organizational structure?

The offer was made and I took it for the money. It was a favorable pay bump at the time.

But the psychological impact ensued and I was stricken by imposter syndrome.

Throughout the six months of being an editor, I mentored two new writers in the company and led one company-wide training about creativity.

Then I quit.

I was not able to handle the doubts and my diminishing confidence during editors' meetings and writers' topic evaluations. There were moments when I enjoyed the process, had fun communicating my ideas, and learning more about my position in terms of leadership. But something kept bugging me.

Did I really deserve this position?

I still made grammatical errors. I still lag behind noticing some writing inconsistencies. A lot of times I felt like a fraud, where in hindsight, it was a kind of insecurity I was not able to control.

Deciding to quit took a huge toll on my mental health. Writing is the only thing I know I'm good at and it was such a blow to have my own mind tell me that I'm not even good at it. Feelings of inadequacy and isolation grabbed me by the throat because there was not anyone available who I can expect to understand what I was going through. It was a creative problem and in turn, a spiritual problem for me. My pride and purpose stripped away by my mind because of insecure thoughts.

On the first day of 2020, I broke down and started to isolate myself from my family. That was when I had the self-preservation to talk to my mother and put myself into therapy.