2025-01-01

I've decided today that I shall keep a daily log of my thoughts. In the past few years, attempts to write my thoughts never came into fruition because disappointment gets ahead of me when there are days that writing seems too much of a chore. Time spent sitting down, mulling over my unprocessed thoughts, then writing them down consumes a lot of my energy allocated per day. Then comes the dissatisfaction of finding out in the end that what I wrote lacks insight. I would scrap it and lose the interest of writing the tiniest thing that is happening around me.

I think that experience robbed me of my immediate understanding of myself. Losing that mental agility to interpret my own immediate experience, leads to suppressing the attempt to understand and just move on with my life. Also, chasing the intellectual joy of being satisfied with what I write feels like I'm only setting myself to fail. That mindset, having the most desirable idea that is only objectively possible when all the conditions are met in their perfect moment.

Then came another layer of dejectedness. Realizing that made me aware that I am only regressing towards chasing a muse inside me that I had fought so hard to kill. I had lost grasp of the discipline to write because it turned out that I am only writing again when the rush of inspiration comes in. While it is true that I have a whole day job to maintain, where I also use most of my mental energy for the day, writing in a different manner, and do housekeeping is still what takes up most of my time, I must find in me that balance to write again without expecting poetry. I must work with iterations.

Managing expectations about myself, what I do, and what I want to do so I can lay out the foundations of how I should do things in order for me to get where I want to be is what this is all about. It has been difficult to write because I have not spent enough time to make sense of what is going on with my mind. Insights will come when there is enough clarity and I have a clear picture to look at. I cannot take a step if I cannot see the ground below my feet and what surrounds me. This log is a piece of my vision. To actively form the world inside my head and turn it into a place where I can control the ways in which I want to live.