2025-01-12

I am training myself to get used to putting out work even if there is always a hundred percent chance that no one will even notice them. Take it as more of an automatic conditioning to create the habit of getting myself to work even with a tiny ounce of inspiration and energy. There is the idea of showing up for yourself and in most cases, this practice becomes a daily check in with myself, where I become my own creative support system. During most days, I am lost in my unprocessed thoughts where the moment would feel like I am in this hazy unmoving boat in a middle of the lake and the water underneath me begins to resemble a flat mirror of a cloudy sky. A moment where and when does not matter. The stillness of it all is a comforting sign that something is wrong. But at the same time I am trying to teach myself that this moment does not have to be an ominous cause. I can exist in this stillness and at the same time imagine a monster waiting for me behind all this fog. Both can be true. It does not mean that both requires my attention to interpret it. If I just let myself be, I can be just me, even for a moment, even if I must borrow myself from myself who always worries, plans, and attempt to look for signs in my past in order to foresee my immediate future. While those actions have proven themselves to be useful and have ensured my own survival, I can still just take my time to not do things. I kept being reminded that I should not do things. I can feel my overthinking brain overrule my capacity to function as I normally do. I am placing a lot of pressure on myself to execute a future that I am envisioning. I am becoming, once again, obsessed with who, what, and where I want to be. I am forgetting to just be me for a moment. To enjoy this moment and to just let go. I can be like this. Sometimes. And this is one of those times. This Sunday afternoon while these words caress my own brain, massaging those stiff muscles. I must let myself worry tomorrow and just give myself to the present. This place has become less familiar since the beginning of the new year. I worry a lot. I worry a lot.

Now, I must keep the balance to just go back to how I was and return to this state of planning before formally establishing the habit I need to enact my vision. This is a pause. But I will still be here. Everyday. But becoming less and less obsessed. Still strategic. I have done good work this week.