2025-01-13

As I build up to the habit of writing, I'm sensing that a huge part of the world opens up through the exercise of commitment and faith. Earlier, I have been thinking that a lot of things I do were "revealed" to me in such a way that I am only capable of doing them after I was done doing them. The success is heightened by the fact that I also believed that I could do them even if no prior evidence support the fact that I can do a decent job at pulling it off. Call it a lack of skill, practice, and discipline, but all those things disappear in the process of doing.

Yesterday also revealed to me that this has been the type of faith that I had been practicing. Placing faith on myself goes beyond trust and is always prior to trusting yourself. Since most often than not, trust requires prior evidence of a fulfilled promise. It requires history than belief. Trusting someone means that a bond has been established. That the "belief" is already proven true. It is always "already." Placing your faith on someone can also be proven by history but you can only place your faith on someone in a form of a gamble. It is always an act of throwing yourself into the void. Trust, on the other hand, when violated, immediately breaks, resulting into treachery. Faith can never result to treachery. It can only be made under a false assumption. Since there is no evidence or proof of competency or capability, it can never be disproven because, paradoxically, having faith means believing in something false.

Belief is within the realm of imagination. If you commit towards something you imagine about yourself and for yourself, it is a potent mixture of releasing your potential. At most, I feel like it is only a matter of distancing my thinking self from the self that I am thinking about (objective self) in order to act as if I am my own disciplinarian. The thinking self holds on to the imagined self: the self that we are trying to become, and enforces all tasks and rules to be done by the objective self. This is what I have failed to elaborate this time. There are three parts of me and I am all of them, separately coexisting and influencing each other towards a future that I choose to head towards. What is important for me is to just show up for myself, as the objective self, every single day. To choose to wake up and not be woken up by external factors. This is how we fight against the defeatist determinism of nihilists. Work within your predestined self. Claim a path of the several possibilities that could be you instead of dwelling on the number of selves you could have been simply because you failed to imagine and choose a path for yourself.

I can only say that everything I did today is just that. Show up for myself that I can commit to finishing a task and I was able to get it done in a matter of hours. The remaining 4 hours of work was allocated to rest and free time. Then I left it at that because no other things should be done. I am not in a rush. But I still have a lot of things to do.

But I do not imagine myself to be an overworked individual trying to pursue a personal and career goal at the same time.