2025-01-16

I am locked in today.

A slow work day with a lot of progress fixing and improving my website. We not have a background to revel in, which makes writing appealing for me. The graph is also fixed. No more annoying overspilling and overscans. Worked for a total of 1 hour this morning, right after receiving the request of editing a document. Today is just a good day for fixing things.

I have made myself busy to make some changes inside the mind department. All throughout this process, since yesterday, it just feels like I am decluttering my head. The development goes something like:

I want to improve something.
- I try to fix it
  - Fixing it fixes it
    - Most of the time it causes problems
      - Adding more elements to be fixed
        
        Until everything is an entangled mess
        
        But tirelessly fixing it
      - Allows for me to see some parts of the problem
    - Taking a step forward
      - And sometimes, a step back
        
        And another step further
      - But we manage
    - To see the problem better and provide a better fix
    - Until the problem makes more sense
  - And see more areas where you might have fucked everything up
  - More time passes fixing it
- Until you arrive at a satisfying fix
- But everything still doesn't feel right
- So you add improvements
  - And it causes more problems...
    - And more problems
  - But tirelessly working on it
- Allows for a better perspective
- And better approaches
Until everything is stable again

And we arrive at the point where an improvement is finally implemented. This is a type of process that is familiar to me because along those indents and problems, somewhere when things make sense and doesn't make sense, I am learning something without even knowing it. It seems like the conscious act of doing it is lost on me. When I'm in the moment of fixing things, I don't think about the amount of time it is taking me. Whenever I'm faced with something like this, it brings me to the present. My mind is only in this problem and I will try to spend as much time as I can to fix it.

At the same time, I like how it brings my attention to the present. Everything disappears around me. Nothing is urgent except fixing that damned overspilling canvas in its container. I need to implement that background animation that just worked earlier but is now not working again because I added a transparency effect on my graph. What I mean to say is that I like this aspect of my personality. I hope that I don't lose this trait along the way. I know the effects of not persevering and it would be a huge disappointment if I will lose this vigor.

I know I have done a lot of things because of this trait and it is only now when I am beginning to recognize it as one of the things that pushes me beyond my limit. But I can't even really tell if it's my limit when I am conscious that I do enjoy the process, so I don't feel dread or ill-feelings about the actual act of doing it. In the very same vein, the daily logs is actually headed towards this habit-creation of just doing. The desired effect is slowly settling in. I just need to keep this pace. Slowly, in small bits of effort and by deliberately dedicating time, at least an hour per day.

I feel good that I can confirm that I am showing up for myself.