2025-01-28

It takes a bit of mental and spiritual tenacity to deal with the same thing over and over again in thought. I may have been on this chain of thought about repetition and finding some semblance of spirituality in it. Recognizing this current tendency of mine, I feel that it just makes sense with how I have come to know myself.

I have mentioned that what drives this aspect of me is stupidity. But at the same time, this is also driven by my unrelenting tendency to understand what does not make sense. I absolutely believe that I have developed a certain level of intuition to declare to myself that this line of reasoning is worth pursuing. Otherwise, I don't think this will come up every single day as a thought that I am laboring. I am sculpting this mess of ideas into something I don't know yet, but I am sure it is trying to tell me something important about trying to understand what is important to me.

As of this moment, I am exploring the thought of recognizing the divine in acts of creation, to the point of inheriting a certain moral responsibility from creation. And I am debating with myself if I am only having this idea because I feel so disgusted at the fact that it seems like we just need to accept that artists who have created masterpieces can just be monsters behind their craft. That I feel like I am becoming a purist when it comes to the artistic practice because I don't want to accept that in my intermittent attempts to become an artist, I am also making myself vulnerable to being something I loathe.

With my deliberations, I know this is a fear. In any way you look at it, what I just discussed from the previous paragraph is irrational because artists are humans and humans are terribly flawed. I am exposing my thought that I am gatekeeping the idea of being an artist must be "pure" in thought and in practice so I create these restrictions, I set these rules that would set apart a real artist from a fraud. However, this line of thought will only result to a false dichotomy that is rooted from personal insecurity. Wherever this thought may lead me, it will always be self-serving because I am creating an unnecessary definition.

At least that's clear for now. I imagine that this is a long way towards its finality. We arrive at the discipline of thought. The slowness of conclusion must be embraced because there will always be like this when it feels like we gained nothing because what I was thinking is false. So we're back at thinking at something else. But what has been thought has been processed. I know something I didn't before: I have been trying to protect the sacredness of being an artist from the wickedness of human nature.

At least, from this realization, I can free myself from these fetters of thought. Still, fuck Neil Gaiman.