2025-02-04

Yesterday was a moment of self-doubt. It was a regress towards the social media-induced self-awareness that transforms online presence into a performance. Today is a reminder that I am doing this for myself and remove my inhibitions with writing. I am well aware that the quality of writing that I am doing right now is not something that I am always proud of. And that is the main purpose of writing these logs. It is a real-time assessment of how I refine my thoughts and mapping of my thought process, which means that every single log is not supposed to be clear and structured.

I am writing this in the middle of the day, which is out of my writing routine when I have accustomed myself in writing after my work hours. But I needed this to be put out there immediately as another reminder to myself when I am here catching myself almost waver and stumble. It is the dryness of the practice that is getting to me, I know. Doing this for a month now and the boring ordinariness of it is getting under my skin.

The positive thing that I am making out of it is this apparent automatic refocusing of the emptiness in my head towards what I am doing at the moment. This emptiness can be focused in the coming days because I have been mulling over the idea of the void as a portal. This, in practice, would be a possible technique that would envelop my creative process and beliefs. There is a strong correlation of the nagging presence in absence that can spur things into existence.

But for today, I will internalize this moment of weakness and celebrate this vigilant attention towards a loss of faith in myself. Now, I will recover.