2025-02-06

Today is probably the only day when I sincerely didn't want to write anything and seriously considered ditching writing. Honestly, there have already been days like this, especially this month (we're only just 6 days in February) but they only came as a thought and it didn't feel as urgent as this one.

What usually happens is when I get the urge not to write, I sit on it for a few minutes, mulling over the consequences of not doing and breaking my streak. The thought would easily fade during those times but tonight felt like I would actually stop. So I immediately grabbed my laptop and started typing this event fresh from the experience oven.

I found that it's a good practice to turn the frustration into my own writing, prompting an impromptu self-reflection session with myself as it happens; confronting myself the moment I catch myself wanting to divert from the routine. I would say that I am having a series of bad days, creatively speaking. My mind don't actually latches on anything interesting except being self-reflective. But I might be stretching the moments of self-reflection too thin as it is becoming more frequent and I can't squeeze any new reflection out of me without a novel idea.

To be fair, I had a good time at work today. Productivity is increasing and focus is becoming more dilated. I have been waking up way past my alarm recently (possibly a huge factor in terms of not feeling in the zone lately). I have been watching too much shows recently. I have 2 episodes remaining in the season 2 of The White Lotus, Silo Season 2 is becoming interesting, and I am wading through the first two episodes of The Night Agent's second season. I probably watch 3-4 episodes of a mix of these shows every night since the month started. I honestly don't know what I'm getting out of these and I might just be trying to distract myself from something but there might be some marginal enjoyment that I have been feeling cruising through these shows.

I am still observing if this one of the boring break seasons of my thinking. I am still not sure if I have worked my mind way too much last month actively thinking about myself and the world so now all I have are these mundane acts of living that may turn out to be useless garbage and an entirely experiential log of what happened today.

Right now, I'm only taking this as a different aspect of this exercise, where how am I going to adapt when there is nothing else to write about? When all thought has been exhausted from every neurons in my brain? Of course, I know that is impossible (but it is only an assumption), I still want to push myself into doing this experiment until it becomes something permanent. After all, I only have a month's-worth of data so far so I guess we will see more of how I will reconcile myself with these emerging conundrums.