2025-03-02

Some messages are becoming clear. Some decisions are becoming more apparent. I am now living through this decision even without admitting to myself that I have made this decision. This paradoxical thought is an impossible one. I cannot elucidate this experience without first telling a lie: that I have not made the decision. Because, how am I able to say, with confidence, that I am only now trying to find out why I made the decision by living through it?

What I only have right now is awareness. I have previously written about the perception of my own trinity. There is a way to predict our choices by being able to imagine a future self that is reasonably caused by the circumstances that you are able to see right now. Take it as a skill of foresight. You can only predict what would happen if you have a good reading of the multiple things that are happening around you, including their relationships and how they affect each other. It is basically data gathering and predictive analysis. I don't know what will happen but I can see three possible things that can happen based on the state of the world right now. That is what I can hold as the future states within the realm of what I can see.

Now, as things move slowly, gradually, each of those possibilities have certain milestones to meet, which are either a point of convergence or divergence within those three possibilities. What I mean by this is that in predicting possibilities, it is always and very likely that those possibilities are all intertwined. It is possible that more often than not, they are not parallel possibilities because decisions made in every possibility may point towards the fulfillment of other possibilities. As I imagine it, it is a kind of closed openness, which is I claim to be a kind of understanding of the world that allows us to imagine a future that is not so wholly a fantasy so I avoid fabricating a future that only satisfies my biases.

A prediction that results to only few possibilities is the only kind of prediction that I can consider to be worth it and realistic. If I try to predict an outcome with a lot of possibilities, that can only mean two things:

• either I do not have a firm grasp of the relationships of every elements involved in the situation, or

• I am in denial of the realistic possibilities so I try to look for a way out of the thing I cannot accept.

This prediction can only take the form of my own imagined future state of myself, which is—based on what I am doing right now, where I am, and in the pattern of my current choices—a path that I am already taking. As I see the possibilities ahead of me, I also see myself walking along one of the paths I see, and that is the point that I know that I have already made my decision.

It is also possible that I may be mistaken and that I have not seen where I am going because actually walking on the path is different from just imagining the path. I know that there is a certain level of self-knowledge that must be established before all these activities of prediction proves to be somewhat of a meaningful and insightful activity but I am also aware that a total self-knowledge is too difficult, if not impossible, to attain. I cannot fully proclaim, in confidence, that "I know myself full well." because it is a hubris that I cannot delve into. Let me preserve an ounce of humility at this point because I know that I do not only serve myself.

So right now, I am here.