2025-03-08

Mar 08, 2025

Waking up today feels like I'm back home in my parents' house. Alone and a tad bit sweaty. But I'm waking up earlier recently. My body decides to choose reality an hour before my supposed scheduled alarm if it were a workday. Wakefulness today is also visited by a familiar feeling of dizziness, which is not brought by fatigue but by rest itself. At most, perhaps I had 5 hours of sleep but my actual moment of waking even felt more decisive that how I wake up during weekdays. I am not woken up by the 6am sunlight peeking through the window but by my body choosing to witness the gradual fading of the black sky to gray as the sun greets me a new day.

This feeling is not unwelcome but I find myself wanting this more than I thought I would. There are some things I want to do during this slow downtime of wakefulness. I am not rushed into collecting my thoughts for work. I am not forced to go down and prepare myself some breakfast and coffee. I just lied down and took my time to feel my soul back to my body until I get enough ounce of will to stand and decisively face the day on my own terms.

I am still in the process of trying to understand this unconscious change. I find my body doing something that I wanted before I even catch myself that this has been something that I have already been wanting. Perhaps this is one of the ideas that have been recurring to myself when I thought that I have already decided to do something even before I have realized that I already made the decision. It is the body that acts first, perhaps even brought by my own will.

Recently, I am trying to place more weight on my words, to enable myself in making myself more obedient to what I say to myself. I say what I do and do what I say. In the same terms, I am hoping that this is becoming amplified by writing. In the same terms, I write what I do and do what I write. This process of self-documentation towards self-discipline is being put into another level when I am starting to feel that my body has already embodied the words that I have been telling to myself, regardless of its urgency.

I just realized that this also requires a certain discipline of thought in thinking about principles that I know will benefit me. Another layer is this objective reasoning that is required to determine what benefits me because it presupposes direction. I must have already known where I am going to define the things that can help me go towards that direction. Another layer is that there is an ounce of planning where amidst all possible directions and all ways to walk that direction, what is the process that is aligned to who I want to be on top of the direction that I want to go.

These elements makes up of my own projection of the person I that I want to be to myself and manifest the potential that I know that I have that does not only fade into the air when spoken. My current state of mind is actually in a sleepy stupor and I feel like, as I am observing these words being typed on my screen, a haphazard sting of words as a prelude to my dream during my upcoming sleep.