2025-05-05

Knowing the right thing to do is always good but it is human to fail to uphold it. An intellectual exercise is oftentimes only a simulation of the real. The anticipation of a future event such as consequences, reactions, and responses from the imagined scenarios in our heads hold the illusion of them being real that they can easily be mistaken as something that has already happened. Patients who are suffering from PTSD relive their traumatic experiences whenever they encounter triggers and make it seem that the past is happening again, right now, at this moment. This is why the response is also in response to the past event even if it so temporally distant from the now. Inversely, we can also imagine a future pain and feel it as if it is happening now depending on the strength of imaginary anticipation, which is the cause of anxiety.

As I am trying to create a scenario in my head, having the difficult conversations and interactions with people, I feel like I am also preparing myself from the worst. It is not anxiety that looms over my head but an inch of the difficulty that I am expecting to experience when I am in that moment itself. Preparing myself for the worst things that could happen because I do not want to be misunderstood, or at least I just want to react in ways that still aligns to the message that I want to communicate.

Most of the difficulty lies in maintaining composure and emotional stability in the moment of interaction. I am the type of person who would always prefer minimal face to face conversations unless it is warranted, so I would say that my social flexibility in adapting at a moment's notice is not that tactful. I am not a good conversationalist but I like to believe that I can take difficult serious conversations without backing down.

I am being tested at this very moment and I can see how things will progress in the near future. I believe things will turn out for the better if I play my cards right.