2025-05-26

I have written this thought today and it made me realize how much of the thoughts in my brain remain un-codified. Of course, I would not want every single thought to just forcefully compel me to write every single time my brain comes up with an opinion. There is only this barrier that I rarely allow myself to cross and that is when I'm at work, I'll only write about work stuff, and when I'm not at work, I can finally write the things that have been going through in my head. So it's only a matter of boundary about when is it permissible to write what topic. But then again, it all feels so arbitrary, yet the feeling of fulfillment is more present when I cross that boundary. The piece that I linked at the beginning of this paragraph was written when I was in a company meeting, where I felt my brain leave my body. Instead I left the meeting and started writing what has been bugging me.

It has been a recurring thought, that there is a desire in me to escape my work by writing anything that is not work-related. This can be easily interpreted as: I may be growing a sense of boredom at work, or I might not be liking it as much as I used to so I need to distract myself from it while doing what I love: writing. Which made me reflect: I had been writing for other people for so long, outlining every material according to their level of comprehension--basically meeting every reader halfway (and even serving thoughts in a silver spoon). Writing for myself has become that escape, that reverie amidst this confusion of direction when it comes to my career.

In the past few days, I feel that I have walked past through the theoretical and I am gaining enough confidence to put every single thing into practice. But it must take a longer time, a more focused effort, and attention to detail to make everything work. Perhaps, I have realized how to make the embers of my dwindling passion fire up again in such a way that there is a more realized vision of what is ahead, and a clearer perspective of the things that I want to achieve. I have the hunger, the motivation to make everything work, which also means that I have a lot of things at stake, making the feeling of disappointment more destructive if things don't happen the way I planned them to be.

But at the same time, these ideas that come with these risks are the very thing that makes them worth doing. I wanted to make it work. I wanted to realize a vision in my head. This is the door that I am willing to open regardless if there isn't a floor to step on. I expected nothing of this door, but I know that it is right. I feel myself returning to the aspect of myself that I really loved. I wanted to be that person again. But this time, I'll do it with something to say. Because, honestly, I think I have finally found my voice that wants to say something to the world. It has always been something that I used to communicate. I just didn't like the sound of it so I ignored it for 29 years.

It's been a long time, but hey, now we're here.