2026-10-26

There has to be something that makes this narrative that I am in precarious but enough to make me feel comfortable at times when I should be panicking. Concretely speaking, as in a material sense, there is a creeping poverty but it does seem like I am gaining more social credit as each day pass. Every week there is a new development in life that makes me reconsider everything that came past it. A good week can turn a bad one based on a recent interaction with a person at work. A bad week can turn into a good one just right as the weekend arrives. At this point, I am just beginning to be comfortable with what arrives.

Of course, the labor of emotional processing has always been there, which has been becoming more of a deliberate thought not to skip it. Any form of distraction is thrown out of the window and I usually find myself doing that mentally laborious process of going through every single thing that I feel throughout the entire week. I only find mental solace in finding peace in my spirit during weekdays.

The past week has offered a new perspective on friendships. Conflicts that inevitably come around due to the messy nature of human relationships. I've always had to be mindful of learning how to choose between myself and other people in a sense that does not immediately show a specific pros and cons. It is in the living of the decision that only makes the outcome measurable. I have been eyeballing the weight of the consequences of each decision made under the arena of social interactions.

In this scenario, I found myself to be less calculating as I have been in the past few years. I am letting scenes play out on their own in a way that I would never have left had it been me 1 year ago. This is happening only because I think a lot of the calculations in my head have become automatic for situations I have grown to be familiar with.

I started to think in terms of political stature, mostly at work. Even if I have often stated and told myself that I won't be playing the game of corporate politics, I am forced to make decisions under that light. I started measuring all my efforts as I am becoming recognized and more visible at work. I calculate decisions based on my tendencies: how much hours I put in, the careful refusal of having a favorite co-worker, and the precedents that I am inviting with every help that I offer to every colleagues.

With all this overthinking, I default to a type of faith that a I have been fond of. It is a type of faith in my own self that is externally recognized as confidence. But I guess I would stick to my guns and see what would be the dice roll that the universe would give me.

Let's see if we can apply the faith I cultivated through the years and if it can somehow get me out of this with my sanity intact.