2026-10-12

The consistency I lost, and have been rebuilding since January of last year has been the foundation of everything that got me through the demands of September. I found myself able to sustain a 6-day workweek for the entire month of September without a single miss. Did I feel heavy throughout those weeks? A little bit. But I think what surprised me more was not that I was able to get through the entire month. It was the fact that I was performing at my best at a consistent pace.

I would say that fatigue also caught up to me and I took advantage of having a four-day rest by filing a single day of PTO. How did that happen, I'd leave to your imagination but that break opened a rush of productivity in me that I am now able to displace in reviving this site. It is as if all the energy was only re-channeled into a different form of creative impulse. These October entries are starting to look a bit more of another era of a return to form, where in this case, a bit more of reworking and improvement is seen from the last time I touched this body of work last year.

A lot of things are moving at a pace that I did not anticipate. My mind hasn't been empty of what it wants to do and build. Continuing a failed project from last year and deconstructing it from within, making it my own first has led me towards a path of functional iterations. Confidence in building with the amount of things I was able to prove to myself. Grief has taken a back seat but is nonetheless ever-present.

At times, I think I am being overproductive out of spite. There was a day when the most honest thing I've admitted to myself is that I take pleasure in being underestimated. It’s a part of myself I keep hidden. I know I’m capable of more, and I let that go unseen, because it is part a defense mechanism to be seen as prey by those who are by default social predators. I believe myself to be a keen judge of character and playing the fool has always led to interactions that people show themselves in a more honest light when they are confronted by a person they deem to be lower than them. Being underestimated comes in handy because I don't show the cards in my hand. I only play them when I need to.

The only problem I always need to think of and deliberate is timing. When to play the cards and how I need to play them. So far, I have shown some of mine and so far, it has yielded such good results that I've become too cautious, because I have built them high enough for a lot of people to be noticed.

But for now, I am playing the value game.