2026-10-27

I am orchestrating my visibility now. In the past few months, a lot of old ideas have been germinating, including my return to managing this site. It really does feel a lot like tending a garden that I have kept for a long time. No plant analogies this time since I am beginning to realize that this is an uncharted territory. I know that I am doing what I know best but the practice behind what I used to do is always under the guise of anonymity. Not even to the point of having a public identity but perhaps still even under creative obscurity. I still created a lot of things but it all remained undiscoverable to most people. Even in this age of algorithms, a lot of what I created resisted a form of visibility.

It does feel foreign enough that it brings a new sense of unknowingness into the very discipline that I should have known how to do. I guess a lot of the anxiety also comes from the fact that I have always felt unprepared. So everything I understood about the art of preparation, in how to set goals in my life, I have applied and appropriated the systems that I have crafted around my life into my creative practice. I used to put out a lot of writing in social media, sharing every half-baked ideas I had into the void and never followed through. I just dropped texts as I saw fit, driven by unprocessed emotions, like a child immediately opening a newly-bought toy from a store.

I find myself working on three separate projects all at once. Alongside it, keeping my job has become more crucial because on top of survival and improving my quality of life, I am brimming with ideas and concepts all of a sudden. These things are quite too complex to handle everything all at once. At the start of this year, I dropped everything creative and thinking of life improvements as I was focused with survival and financial recovery.

There is a type of desperation in me that desires so strongly that I must be able to sustain this. One day after another.