2025-02-08

Okay so this is what's going to happen: I am planning to surrender into this unthinking state. That is, to attempt an experiment if this is an intuitive route towards an inertia of a season of productivity. I think that my mind's weakness is to engage in a prolonged active rigorous thinking to the point of exhaustion. Because of recent events, it somehow feels like I should once again listen to my body.

Last night's sleep quality was better than most of I've had this week. Woke up at around 6:30am without my alarm. In quiet solitary moments, my mind wanders into thoughts of explaining the necessity of imagination to normal people where in that fictional scenario, I act as a professor of humanities, trying to communicate the importance of the awareness of one's psychology and self-reflection using art and using one's thoughts. I am still engaging into extensive thought experiments but lately, my mind is becoming more focused on delivery. A careful explanation is what I lack, which is why almost every explanation of anything that I give to people almost always sound like a madman babbling and struggling to connect several ideas to each other.

I am continuing my show binge streak. I just recently discovered three new shows to watch to keep my mind occupied. This is to see if I can create some space to germinate ideas in my subconscious while using media as my sponge for consumption. My writings from last month was focused entirely in creation and improvement of my site, which directly correlates to my active thinking that revolves around my reawakened enthusiasm for writing with a mind that is focused on making space for my thoughts to happen. Have I pushed myself towards overworking my brain in my attempt to accomplish this project?

In that span of time, I have already seen some blindspots in my own reasoning and it showed me how I fell for my mind's own trap based on my own fear. It is still more important for me to prioritize practicing honesty to myself because that is the foundation that I am trying to build this project on. This space should be free from lies and self-deception for the sole reason that I want myself to become my own superego. As time goes on, I can see that the content of my writing logs is slowly diffusing in terms of quality of thought and frequency. This can only mean that it is good because it shows that I am not trying to put out every single musing that I have if it means tiring out my own brain in the process. It means that I care about myself and that is fine with me. I cannot afford to be honest if my own mind is not even working properly and does not have any comprehensive thought to begin with.

This month will most likely revolve around self-observation. Last month was already some ideas in my backlog that I have been wanting to write about before I was able to put up this site. It is only timely to give my brain some space. What I wanted to write about are already written, at least in their first versions so I can have some reminders about my own thought process when I come back to them.

My only fear right now is because of my current passive state, I might just realize that it has been months since I have actively tried to sort things out in my head. That I might become comfortable and complacent with not practicing regular self-reflection. But I think I still trust myself that I will catch myself earlier at that stage before anything even goes to shit. I am giving myself at least the whole month to become loosely connected with the world. I'm having a couple of weekend activities starting next week, which would take some of my time and energy since in terms of importance, they are more significant than any creative work. I've made some commitments with friends and I'm still in the middle of figuring out how to balance my time and energy into focusing to each of these activities without losing my mind.

So with everything that has happened and with my mind still recovering from falling off from my routine, I would just need to take it easy and allow myself to take some breaks here and there.

I will always be here and you will still hear from me everyday.