2025-02-10

I'm thinking if I am showing all my cards. If I am thinking about this, it just means that I am unaware of what kind of cards I am holding. It means that I lack the reality of seeing what I have and what they actually are for. I'm thinking about my cards because I have always maintained this personality that has a flair of mystery. I always prefer for other people to not know everything about me. I always prefer for people to be curious about who I am by asking me. This is because I am not good at interacting with other people. I think too much about responding appropriately, or is it the right time to speak? Is it okay to cut off someone mid-sentence despite knowing already where their thoughts are headed? Is it socially acceptable to share an idea that pivots the conversation into a whole different direction? Do I do that because I cannot relate to the present topic? So I can have a comfortable footing in sharing what I know to other people? Do you see my problem here?

Now, back to the cards. I know that this practice reveals a lot about myself. Basically, these are BTS content about my actual titled writings. These are just days as atoms of ideas that are germinating before I can finally stitch it all together into a single piece of writing. I do not expect for people to read every single entry here, especially if I were to actually keep these logs for years to come. I consider these as low-effort writings just to keep myself working and keep the introspection going. I feel that this is necessary as a practice before the main event. But at the same time, I wonder if this is showing too much of the process that kills the charm of the magic performance.

There are times that I know that I am consciously masking the truth while keeping all the things I write with a certain level of honesty. There are some things I don't write here for the purpose of distance. This is not a confession. But I want to practice sharing myself to the world in a way that I know how and become less inhibited in doing so. Ideally, I would like to just create and not explain myself. I would like to just write shit up, and just do it without articulating why I do it. But I guess, I still need to learn that balance. I need to learn to understand what I want to say before I even say it. To see if it's what I want to say or if it is another layer of breadcrumbs that I have placed myself to hide what I want to say from myself. I know, the more I say, the more it gets complicated. But the reason that I am doing this is because I am still trying to find myself beneath these clues that I myself left in order to discover my authentic unapologetic self.

I will never stop questioning myself. Even if on the outside, I have already made some proclamations that I have found myself through this rigorous process of introspection. I know that this never ends as I continue to exist. I might even come across a series of lies that I have written here that I consider as truth.

I would let that become another horror for another day.