2025-02-20

It's one of those days when I fantasize a lot about having a lot of money. What things should I buy? How much should I save? How can I gain pleasure in imagining that all my financial troubles are lifted from my shoulders? Even just a taste of that feeling where my life turns around in a matter of seconds based from a small-impact decision.

It is probably because I have been recently eyeing on some items to buy and I just don't have the money for them. Some are for myself, some a surprise for others. I think it sometimes makes me feel small in thinking that all purchase decisions that I must make should be equal to its necessity and value. In other words, I must always compromise to get what I want. Every purchase do not result to absolute pleasure of having but there must always be a catch. It is either I choose to play the long game of prolonged wanting, to test myself if I will still want the thing that I want after a few weeks or so, or wait for the next big sale before finally making a purchase. Sometimes, it makes the item more worth it. To finally say that "the wait is finally over" and what was once imagined is now a reality.

Sometimes it also bleeds into my day job. Where in thinking that I cannot resign from my job because it is my only safety net when shit hits the fan. My 9-5 is actually my life and dictates the pace of the things that I can have in my life. Add to that the responsibility of managing expenses because every cent must be allotted either to a well-deserved meal and treat or to a spontaneous craving.

A day comes when everything to keep this facade is just consuming because at the end of the day, there is nothing else you can do but use your strength to pull your leg up and take a step forward.

Today is for wanting what I want. Let me desire peacefully and satisfy that desire without guilt and shame. Tear me away from this prison of habit and let me live for a moment.

But we all know, there is a huge chance of risk if this didn't please the gods. I can already feel the avalanche of consequences for a day of wilding out in the woods.