2025-03-11

I am trying to make sense of my current experience of executing commitment and expecting more from myself. I am the rope in a tug-of-war between mediocrity and pressure that aims to have a satisfactory output that I can deliver. Those two things are not supposed to be equal but I have made this difficult for my thinking self to reconcile.

For some reason, I think I am putting this pressure on myself to lay the foundation for a chosen suffering. In the same sense that I think I am uncomfortable being comfortable. Writing logs everyday has become an automatic habit that became a part of me now and I must elevate things further now that I have made it easier for me to do. Comfort for me is my internal signal to change things up.

So my online algorithm has always been reminding me that consistency is a matter of showing up regardless of your performance. You can go through your day by just going through that day because we can't always expect 100% from us every single day. While there is a part of me that says and thinks that is true, I am not satisfied with it. Perhaps I can expect that kind of performance with other people and be okay with it. But I am not okay with it if I apply it to myself. Some would say that this is a mark of doing things with excellence but to me it stems with dissatisfaction. I also recognize that this attitude, at some point, is bound to become unhealthy. But this is also mediated by my relationship with time. In wanting to be great for my own self, choosing to a life of mediocrity under the guise of consistency is not enough for me. I would say that I am trying to achieve more things for me and this path to greatness as a human being is my own model become good at what I do. I just don't think that I have enough time to do what I want if I keep on trying to forgive myself for not doing enough.