2025-06-19

I realized that I do have a rigid system for decision-making. It just hit me that I rarely leave anything to chance, which is a habit or practice that I have only developed when I left my parents' house. It is perhaps the by-product of my own self-understanding, where my goals are becoming clear, I know what I want to do and where I want to go. So in thinking of achieving those goals, I would eliminate all possibilities of risk that may happen, hindering me from doing the things I'm set to do. Quite possibly, this sense of protecting what I have right now is a factor that encourages taking a risk-averse path. I plan ahead and visualize all the things that might go wrong based on the possible consequences of committing to an action. If I do this, what might happen, and how might those events affect me and the things I strive to protect?

This idea of my own self-preserving nature seems like a double-edged sword no matter how much I want to think of it as a net positive trait. Because this means that all my future experiences would be predefined. In this sense of control, I pre-picked the things I may feel or calculated the amount of new people I let in to my life, reducing my chances to make new friends, and other things that invoke a sense of spontaneity.

But when I keep thinking about it, it just feels right. At this moment when I feel that this sense of control is what brings me emotional and mental stability without the expense of other people, I feel a sense of pride in myself. I craft my own path in life. I intentionally veer away from the path that would cause me unnecessary suffering. I maintain and grow from the person that I am towards who I want to be. I think that self-understanding really is the key in living a life that is expected, measured, and fulfilling. There are the things that I want and know that those wants are good for me, not just an air of momentary desire that will pass. I know what I need regardless of what the world says. And that makes me happy.