2025-05-19

This feeling of scale and volume of what I am doing for this project feels a lot more palpable today. With every word that I add in this log, I feel a lot of doors opening, which may be the ways in which I can explore the topics that I wanted to uncover. Slowly, ideas begin to take shape and leave their shell of formlessness. In this state, I feel weight and lightness at once. My body bears the gravity, while my mind is being lifted by grace.

Almost spiritually, it feels like enlightenment about something I have yet to know and understand. At this moment, I am listening to Crawl Against the Sky's The Silent God (2017). I missed this atmospheric music that I used to listen when I take my 2-hour commute back home from work. Everything is forming with anticipation. There is something going on behind this tiny brain of mine.

But for now, I can say that I am taking the right step forward towards the direction that I am about to take. I am giving it the right amount of effort and focus to drag every single word that can allow me to correctly and accurately give shape to the ideas that have been germinating inside my head.

I spent the past hour scrolling through the history of my IG stories since 2019. I can still imagine myself, my state of mind, and how I see the world from the eyes of someone who's grieving about murdering his dreams of becoming a poet. I have observed how the years passed and still the inability to let go of the past was there. The inability to shy away from everything as an excuse was palpable enough to make a connection with my past self.

Probably, this is why I am enmeshed with the current lucidity of where I am at this present moment and where I was throughout those years. In any case, I feel this humble sense of pride that I have become, after all, loyal and true to myself. Back then, I had acted out of instinct. I listened to this gnawing ache in my chest when every piece of creative writing feel like a knife behind my back. Writing then was my way of making sense what I don't understand. Taking a step back from it allowed me to realize why I don't understand the things I don't understand. Only to realize that I don't understand the things that I don't understand because I refuse to understand them. That there was pain and I knew that it was waiting for me so I tried to write everything away as a form of an attempt to confront my fears when in reality, it was just an avoidance in disguise.

Looking at that timeline of images and videos made me feel that connection again, grounding me that I actually haven't changed. I'm still the same person with a better perspective. I am still heading in the same direction but with a newfound faith that is necessary to carry me towards the place where I had wanted to go, even when I thought I wasn't going to make it.