2025-03-01

I may have been consciously putting myself in places where I would be tested. On the surface, this is an attempt to let myself understand what are the things that I am really capable of and if I am really capable of the things I say to myself. I want to test the limits of what I believe in and I want to know what I will find out at the end of knowing. At best, I want to know who will I be when I arrive at the situation where I am forced to commit to one single thing.

I place a lot of importance to the experience of a process. Sometimes I know how things will end up based on what I currently know. I imagine the possibilities based on the things I don't know. However, even knowing those things allow me to predict what might happen. But I will never truly know how I will be, or how will I react to the situation when I am fully present at that moment, making the decision that can change me.

These are still vague statements. I even know that this is an attempt to obscure the reality of the weight of the decision that I am seeing for myself so I won't panic. But somewhere down the road, I have already taken a path that I know will change me into another kind of person. Is that kind of person something I want to be or not is still up for debate but I have a nagging suspicion that I will end up not choosing at the end because I know I have already made the decision when I started walking on this path.

It is possible that I am only talking in circles but this is the kind of awareness I want to practice throughout the rest of my life. I know that I have already made my choice before knowing that I made the choice. Most of the time, I am only going through the process to find out why I made the choice. The process is always to understand the choice and not to decide. I have already decided. I need to be free from the mind trap that I am still in control at this very moment. I have set the things in motion. I am the architect of my own decisions. Now, I only need to live in order to understand.