2025-01-31

Following up on yesterday's thoughts, I had an extended epiphany earlier when I was taking a bath. I imagine that every interaction is a door to various possibilities. Then, my mind creates this network if if/else/either/or kind of connections on how opening that door leads to interactions of varying lengths and consequences. In this sense, I also imagine that conversations are like that. I imagine them to be a network of passages, paths leading to different outcomes, road blocks (conflicts), detours (topic tangents), and pit stops (destination of an understanding). But it does not mean that I imagine all the possibilities. I cannot claim that I have all conversation trees mapped out for every interaction. It is just not possible. What I imagine inside my head is the anticipation of those conversation paths. This anticipation builds a kind of scope in my head where I can set a limit of what I would only want to talk about or how I want every interaction to be defined. Do I want it to be sincere and thoughtful or do I want it to be a small talk and just a "hi, hello" kind of conversation.

I do this because I want to capture the specific point of interaction where it is socially acceptable for me to leave. If I go with a conversation with the intent to be sincere, I should permit myself to sit there for a long time and have a straight meaningful conversation with a person. Otherwise, I'll allow myself to just glide the conversation at a certain level without committing my attention to it, thereby not expending enough energy to the topic at hand.

All of this seems too calculated, I know. But it helps me also to decide and be deliberate in maintaining meaningful and healthy relationships with people. Interaction for me is a choice that I have to make. It rules out any kind of interactions I have with other people, who I don't consider to be important.

Yesterday, my conversation with my soon-to-be father-in-law was a spontaneous sincere conversation. I was still clocked in at work but I committed myself to it even when I was running out of things to say. Precisely because that person is important and that moment was also important to me. I would not give the same treatment and amount of attention to other people who is not an active presence in my life. Suffice to say that I have a certain hierarchy of relationship levels when it comes to the people in my life. That defines the amount of attention and energy that I would give to them, which in turn dictates how I open the doors to those interactions.

In the end, this may have been sounding a bit simplistic and I am just applying labels to basic human conversation and interaction. However, this is most apparent when I encounter strangers when I definitely don't pay much attention to them. It has been a rule that I have allowed myself to follow to restrain the possible influx of guilt and other intrusive feelings that may arise because of spontaneous interactions. I want to have enough control with how I feel based on how I interact with other people. I know at some point that it makes me selfish but this is how I reduce the burden of unnecessary thought as I move forward with my life. It also allows me to instinctually follow a rhythm of human interactions that I can tell is actually based on my own personality.