2025-03-05

I am keeping a mental list of the things that must be changed. Routines. Diet. Things around the house. Spacing. My relationship with time. And some other aspects of my surroundings that require a reboot of my own perception. As of today, I am learning about how I am trying to tread around the discipline that I have established for myself and observing how much of it is actually true and not just a facade that I am trying to put up so I can write about what I think about discipline here.

I kept thinking about the idea of devotion and how much of myself should I surrender in order to make things happen and how much of that self is willing to fight what it already believes in. I am in this state of incessant wrestling with this self, in forming arguments with how much of this self will remain even if I make this change. I am in constant questioning in terms of why does this even matter when all I have ever done in the past few years was to remake myself in every single way so I can be the person that I am. Now, this conflict has arisen again and all I know is that this one is probably different. I am met with urgency and a deadline. I want to see how much of me will survive this.