2025-05-25

Occurrences of tests concerning understanding and faith are becoming more and more frequent. Most of the times, it manifests in an effort of persistence in trying to understand the things that are happening around me. The more I try to fail to understand, the more I feel inclined to let faith deal with it. The more I try to put everything in my faith, the more I think less of myself as a person. In any case, I don't mean to diminish every atom in my body as a signifier for a weak existence. Thinking less of myself only mean that I feel more disappointment in accepting that some things are beyond my understanding. It is its own form of humility that intercepts any build up of emotions towards pride. It is my way of extinguishing the idea of my inclination to know and understand. It removes the burden that I must find a reason behind every single thing that has happened.

I've had two blank days in May. One corresponds to a focused activity for my day job and the other corresponds to a day of spiritual recovery. I do not want to lose more days at work so I decided to take it upon myself to cease any possible strenuous work both physically and mentally yesterday. I did sleep for more than three hours during daytime after I awoken from sleep, and went to bed the same time I do every day: before nine in the evening. My current state can only be described as "not as bad as I hoped it could have been." I am trying to give myself more time to recover from all the stress from work and from my personal relationships. Thinking about tomorrow, continuing where I left off from last week creates a certain anxiety in my chest. Once again, I find myself in this cycle of worrying even after four days have passed since I last thought of anything work-related. What happened during those times also elevated the concern of my speed in which I am trying to withdraw myself from corporate. I am having better ideas recently but I just wanted to take small steps.

So I hope even in these small steps, interruptions are something I can handle better. Lately, they all feel like fetters. I want to glide past though the initial ideation phase of my own emerging work. I want to have more focused time to do the things I want to do. But my calendar says otherwise. I want to give myself more time and more effort, but certain things pull me away from myself out of this recognition of my own duties in different aspects of my life. I am finding it a lot disruptive recently from what I desire.

Is this impatience? Or is this a righteous judgment of what I claim to be what I deserve? If this is something that I must endure first in order to claim the fruits of my suffering, how long will it take and how long should I wait before I can finally make my move to progress myself?

I just feel that I might have been neglecting myself in the process. And I am afraid that it is also possible that I might have been giving myself into the world without much return to the things that I truly care about.