2026-10-11

Perhaps this is me trying to take back what is lost. But as Weil's void put it, this void is irrecoverable and should only exist as a vessel for grace. That is still something I am learning. That is still something that I am heavily trying to resolve to experience.

That was a year of absence, at least in this space where I have been keeping as an external image, an extended part of me that remains to be something that still looks for more words, that is still waiting to be built, only to eventually forsake the waiting and end up becoming more perpetual.

You see, I oscillate. I become a being within tension of my own world in language. I kept trying and trying, separating it from trying to learn. Every single day, I have always found a piece of the world and refuse to accept it as it is, so I split it in half, in thought, and in my mind, in order to grasp a sense of the universe without the illusion. Perhaps, it is the same reason why I am turning to Kant now. I have parked Spinoza because the world has adopted my structure of how I see it. I have also parked Hegel because the world has become a dialectic. Past deontology, I am turning to Kant because I want to see the world without the illusion.

I may not even be aiming for Kant's noumenal world but lately, I am desiring a piece of world that does not hold any symbolic or linguistic nature. That pure experience, that is somehow, connected to Kitaro Nishida (which is also the reason I am formally turning to Kant to map my trajectory from Pure Thought towards Nishida's Pure Experience).

It may even be due to my work with Spinoza that the world has become geometric. Cause, effect, and correlations start appearing among people, events, and scenarios. These networks become their own rigid chaotic system of language that makes time legible to me. I do not forecast future events to happen but I just see most of the probable possibilities that may happen and because of that, life becomes less and less overbearing.

Even in handling loss, and taking care of a loved one in times of crisis, while I am also seeing cracks in my being as I take the reins became more bearable. Bereavement and grief became experiences that became a part of the experience of time. What I mean is when every experience is perceived and measured with an objective lens of how long each experience will take, everything dissolves into the background. Life happens alongside it and I just can't let a single experience be on the forefront of my life. They must be taken, received, and experienced second by second. Focus becomes intentional, deliberate, and personal. Perception becomes everything.

At the end of the day, the world happens and I happen in it.