2025-05-04

This overwhelming feeling of every single thing in my life coalescing together seems like an inevitable struggle. Throughout my philosophical studies and my newfound spiritual journey, I am starting to feel the weight of living. In which case, is this truly the uneasiness of a good life? To say that in finding one's purpose, is to also willingly bear the weight of living? This intellectual exercise led me to a conclusion that has more merit in experiencing the world. That in saying that an intellectual framework is required to live a meaningful life, is it also not true to say that all attempts to live a meaningful life must also correspond to an intellectual reflection of its effects on the self?

I think I am astounded by the actual practice of my intellectual musings in a sense that knowing the right thing to do must be supported by the strength of the spirit to act. In this sense, "spirit" can also mean "will," which is everything in our energy to execute an action. Thought and action bears weight in one's life, and which creates more impact. Principle and practice begins to align, where outcomes become more controlled, expected, and easily anticipated. What I am allowing myself this time, is at least to carry out the things that I know morally and spiritually and apply it in my daily life because doing the right thing once is not enough. It must be done out of habit in order for it to be considered done.

What had been weighing on me are the difficult conversations ahead that I am seeing. I am deliberately planning, simulating conversations in my head in how many ways those conversations may go wrong and how can I stand still with my principles without falling through the pit of despair and frustration. A lot of difficult interactions with people, at least in my own standards as I am also not as sociable as most people are, need to happen and I will be the force that would initiate it.