2025-06-02

I don't know how to deal with feeling emotions that come from transference. On the one hand, I understand the feeling and to an extent, also feel portion of the transferred emotion. On the other hand, a combative sense of frustration rises behind the transferred emotion, acting as a guard against intrusive thoughts. There is a nagging sense of disappointment as well, directed at myself, for allowing an intrusive thought or feeling to bypass my boundary from the uncontrollable world. Then a wash of shame begins to push me and cause me to stumble, making it difficult to emotionally recover from this state.

I'm still in the state of stumbling and I'm saying that I don't know what to do about it or how to deal with it because all my attempts to ignore the feeling or bring myself back into my default state only exhausted me to the point that I feel that I am in a limbo. Another person has caused this and there is a sense of guilt that I cannot fully respond. So there is this failed tango of emotions that are swirling in my head and I need to be present at work, to do cognitive tasks, to write, to think. But I feel paralyzed by this chaotic surges of emotions. It is difficult to handle because of the fact that they are not mine. I haven't tamed these emotions on my own and it seems like I just need to wait for it to be subsumed by my subconscious.

It just feels as if I am a dot inside my mind and it has become cramped and chaotic because of the event that it is trying to fix itself. It is making a lot of effort to put all things in order but it has been consuming a lot of resources only in doing so. As the dot, there isn't a space where I can go away from all this ruckus. Everywhere I look, there is chaos. The only thing I can do is to sit still and wait out the storm. This is what I have been doing all throughout my life. It has been the only thing that I know how to deal with it. But it has been becoming truly ineffective at times when I also need to be present for other things and other aspects in my life that I consider to be important. This is also precisely the reason why most people who know me always perceive me as calm, cool, and collected. My stoicism in times of crisis is not a survival skill but a coping mechanism. What is the difference between the two? The first one is about fighting through the chaos. The other one is avoiding the issues. A lot of the times, people don't see the difference. But I know myself enough to say that this is what I have been feeling and this is why I am doing it.

I need to clear my head.