2025-05-21

Things begin to coagulate into a single interconnected series of consequences that I am finding myself entangled with. This push and pull of emotions brought by my most recent decisions only signals that I haven't been deciding in a way that correctly aligns with my sense of self. I would allow myself make a very selfish decision under the justification that it is what is best for my mental state and would make things simpler from my perspective.

I know that it is actually out of my own principles to act this way. Deep inside, I just felt like I've been to forgiving of the world that I've been forgetting that I can assert my own will on others as long as I am comfortable. This in itself is what I consider a sin against my own values and I am guilty of it. I've been rebelling against the standards that I put up myself. Upon the realization of committing this crime, the world shifted for a bit. This subtle earthquake inside my chest begins to rumble at a calming pace. The rhythm, my heart suddenly ate itself up out of shame. I can't believe that I failed myself at this point. Almost immediately, I try to shift my brain to accept accountability and do the right thing.

But this didn't calm me. This did not alleviate this pain of knowing my sin. Perhaps the anticipation of reckoning weighs heavier than choosing to go out the exit. Yesterday, I meditated on the idea of opening the door in front of me. In reality, I caved inasmuch as I wanted to keep it shut. I didn't realize that there were a lot of doors in front of me. That the clear appearance of a single door did not mean that it's the only one that I will be faced to open. It feels like I died a hundred deaths in this scenario. There is a brewing hate in me that assumes itself to be difficult to recover from. It feels like falling from the peaks and starting again at the bottom. The inertia of virtue hits harder than terminal velocity when it hits. My mind is crushed at this very moment and I can feel the strings of consequences entangle me like fly that's trapped in a web.

I can feel the weight of everything right now. I can only hope that things will get better tomorrow. I cannot think by anticipating a dread that's about to happen. But then again, I think this anxiety is still in my imagination. If there is any consolation to all of this, I believe I still made the right thing in the end. I just need to feel this self-hatred for a bit and hoping we'll be able to move on from this stupidity.