To Speak, To Listen

I am on this streak of reclaiming myself, if not my sense of self. I guess the latter carries more truth than the former because to reinvent my sensibilities is more important and meaningful than trying to capture an old self that was lost. I cannot always drag a corpse to my body for sentimentality and a sense of familiar comfort. There is no kind of reinvention that occurs without self-examination. I am able to discard the things that no longer serve me. I break parts of myself, look at it, and find something more compatible with what I want to keep. I become the ship of Theseus, gradually being changed by time. It is this acceptance that I needed to move on than to latch on to yearning for a past that I was incapable of keeping. The notion of accepting defeat and then regrouping to prepare for another round of battle. To accept shame and be grateful for it. To let grief become a beacon of light towards a path of virtue. To choose to be changed in the service of being good and just.

The only way to grow is to be in accordance with Nature. In the same way the body replaces all of its cells every seven years, my brain must also be rewired to adapt to the changing times and to my own life circumstances. The passing of time dictates what is necessary. The world around me change as a way to communicate that I must also change my ways in order to grow with it. Thought patterns must be consciously unlearned because what got me here will not help me get where I want to be. I cannot do the same things that led me to survive until this point.

Get yourself attuned with the world or get caught up with its changes. In attuning the self with the world, I must listen and open myself to it without being overwhelmed. It requires specific attention to its music, when it starts to play a different song and what the song is telling us. It requires time to listen as much as to understand and learn how to dance.

As the body changes, so must the mind. If what science says is true and accurate, then my body will have completed its fourth cycle two months into the upcoming year. Which must mean that my mind is attuned with my body with all of these blabbering. I cannot be an old soul in a new body, or more accurately, I refuse. Again, with a certain reframing of perspective, I know that this must require a deliberate decision. To change or remain unchanged. To exert energy and effort in the tediousness of self-reflection or not. To accept that this is the peak of who I am and move on with life with all of the things I have or refuse to recognize the pointlessness of life and find way to improve on even the littlest things. To this, as long as I know that I have more time, I’ll always choose the path of greatest resistance.

I know I will always have more time because I tend to overthink and turn it into foresight without falling into catastrophizing. What are the possible outcomes ranging from the best- to the worst-case scenario? What are some of the best tradeoffs I can take? What are the things I am prepared to lose if I do this? Which ones will be required to happen first before making a final decision? Which ones are beneficial for me and for everyone? Which one brings the most gain? Which one will I regret the least? Time spent answering these questions are better spent than deciding when we cross the bridge. Yet, these aren’t foolproof parameters. In any situation, anything can go wrong anytime. I can only prepare my spirit at the lowest point of vulnerability, to take that opportunity to build the best character in me in make-or-break situations. If I must gamble, do it with the best set of information that I have and if I lose, I shall gladly accept defeat for I knew I dealt my best hand.

I give myself time to take more chances and allow myself to make room for mistakes. To give myself time is to say no to what is not essential and to be intentional with every decision. It requires a certain rhythm in the brain to get used to since making decisions is an energy drainer. Creating a personal framework of the world alongside with my own values and principles allows me to easily gauge risk and outcomes because it puts everything into perspective. Like one’s own personal map of the world, a simulacrum of possibilities that would take less time and energy to realize as opposed to without it, I feel like walking into a foggy field of landmines.

This obsession to think about my relationship with the world is how I cope with all of its uncertainties. I will not allow the world to pull the rug from under my feet one more time, so I have taken the necessary steps to keep that from happening—and to prepare myself whenever it happens again.

Changing for the better does not completely shield us from misfortunes. There are a lot of situations when only time can tell if our decision is right. Planning ahead is always susceptible to unforeseen circumstances. But our attitude when faced with uncertainty is what matters most, and whatever happens, don’t forget to forgive yourself.

Of course, it is all just talk and empty words. Everything that I say must be equalized to a rumor. At this point I can say anything for the sake of utterance. I say what I say because I must say what I want to say. I must say what I want to say because I need to hear what I must say. These words are meant to be read by myself to disrupt this quietude state I am in. These words are the accumulation of thoughts in the past six years that are starting to get processed and spill out of my mind.